Exhausted

I am almost five years out of cancer treatment and exhausted.  I have minimal ability to focus on tasks I do not like doing.  I am more introverted than before treatment.  I have less patience with bad behavior than before cancer.  

Pain that I thought might go away with time has not.  Some side effects of treatment are better, but some are not.  A presentation on long term effects of cancer treatment this month left me discouraged.

I thought I would feel more like my old self by now.

Reaching a thousand followers

I reached a thousand followers on Pinterest today.  I am not sure what to make of that other than there are people out there that like what I like.  Why does this not mean I can find clothes I like that fit, or there are vegetarian meals at all restaurants, I do not know.  Only thing I can think of at this late hour of my day is there is hope for tomorrow.

Last day of age 47

I am grateful to still be here.  Twice in the last week I have learned of people my age who are no longer here.  I do not know what makes this happen.  I am tired of hearing judgements by others who claim to know what is right.  I am human.  I, like everyone else, have made mistakes.  Some of those might shorten my life.  I see folks doing things I think might shorten theirs.  Some days I try to help people that ask for help try to learn to make better choices.  Some days I make better choices than others.  I hope to start my new year out tomorrow making better choices.

Rain Induced Fog

It is raining so hard at my house it looks like fog. I find this comforting. A day of severe weather always puts me in a good mood. Years of living in tornado alley have left their mark on me. I can feel the storm coming and look for ways of either being outside or glued to the weather channel.

Years ago I chased tornados, as a volunteer storm spotter as part of NOAAs Storm Warn network. Now I live where the hills and trees make chasing too dangerous. Technology has improved to the point that storm spotters are not as needed. What has not improved is the general public knowledge of what to look for between the sky and the radar. In part this is social Darwinism at work, if you drive into the tornado you get what nature had in mind for you.

My day started out with a presentation on how putting your big goals first enhances the likelihood on you accomplishing them and an hour of exercise. I worked on getting rid of old clutter, filling up over a sack of trash. Now, as the storm moves on I will finish fixing Mediterranean vegetable and lentils for dinner.

Backlogged

I run on a perpetual state of backlogged projects.  Not only the quilt I began cutting out around 2000, but more recent and pressing projects.  Today I am working to finish up scanning photos that were my parents.  I farmed out this task only to discover others have less attention to detail that I find acceptable.  Of about 170 pictures, some were missed in the scanning process by my local shop.  Others came out grainy due to age and quality of paper.  I find it impossible to let go of them without trying to make it better.

I find myself always with several running projects, from coupon clipping to items needing mending, that get pushed around by the more pressing projects.  Sometimes, I find myself wanting to start new projects, like gardening, without dealing with all of the old projects.  I know the old projects are there, but they are not as exciting as one that I have not began.  Over the years I have found I do best with short projects, as I do like to see a finished product once in a while.  The key is to mix it up.  Some long term fun projects, some long term chores, some short term fun and some quick chores.  Keeping that mix going and workable is what my time management skills get used for the most.

When I had cancer in 2011, I found most projects and chores could be put on hold.  The chores that were not done bothered me more than the fun stuff, as I was too tired to care.  With some of my energy having returned, I still find undone chores more irritating.  What I have also noticed is that sometimes a fun project becomes a chore.  Gardening is a great example.  I love plants, flowering and produce providing.  I hate weeding, watering, and trying to keep the pests off without harming my environment.  Consequently, the amount I am willing to pay for someone else to farm organically has risen dramatically.  I will even pay more for environmentally farmed flowers.  Not harming our environment has become a bit more personal for me, having had cancer, than it was before.

I know people who buy clothes that have to be altered so they can wear them.  I gave up on that years ago, knowing they would sit around and I would never get my "round to it."  I am too cheap to pay someone to hem pants or take in a waistband, as those are skills I have.  I am not too cheap to have someone do my brakes, yet I have that skill too.  Is it because brakes require me to get dirty?  Is it because it is not traditionally women's work?  Why do I feel the mark up on brake jobs is fine, when I cringe at a much smaller cost to fix a waistband?

Painting is another good example of a skill I have and am willing to pay for another to do for me.  This is primarily based on my aging arthritic body.  My days of painting a ceiling are done, I hope.  I can live with the mistakes of someone else, now.  Just ten years ago seeing uneven lines I had paid someone else to paint drove me nuts whenever I looked at them.  I know I am not the easiest client, but I hope I am fair.  I will rehire good painters, willingly pay their price.  I like straight lines.

I remember looking at woodwork in a room at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and feeling that those craftsmen could not have earned nearly enough.  Today we could not find anyone close.  I am stuck wanting great craftsmanship and settling for what is in my budget.  This is really how all my projects are approached.  The more important it is to me, the higher priority and closer attention I pay to it.  If it is just a chore, I am not as invested in the outcome, as long as it gets done.

Impending Seperation

Today my son, Tim, goes back to college.  It is not just all the projects he does better than any other house member, it is his company that I will miss.  I like having my children at home.  I know they want their own lives now that they are grown, but I miss them when they are gone.  For years, when they were growing up, I could not imagine missing them.  I yearned for quiet times then.  Now I have enough quiet.

This is the basic nature of us as humans, yearning for what we don't have yet or had in the past.  I know this yet can not escape it.  The clouds have rolled in and enveloped me with melancholy.  Now it is my job to push through this grey blanket and grab all of the good interactions left in this day.

Unexpected presents

Today a former owner of our home brought us a large watercolor of our home done for the original owners, a pen and ink drawing of our home, and the original blueprints. We have extended a dinner invitation to the couple who used to live here responsible for the gift. I am hopeful that this will be the beginning of a great friendship.